Enjoy Cautiously

Others are lucky enough to find the one for them the first time they took a risk. But most people find their person after a pile of wrong ones and some even are still happy to enjoy single hood not giving in to the pressure of relatives who keep on asking who and when. And I know a lot of people who still ended up with the wrong ones, even after getting married but still positive enough to carry on with their lives. No story will ever be the same that’s cause no person was ever built the same as the other. As for me, after a hectic Wednesday of meeting deadlines I suddenly came to a random realization. I comprehended that as I grow older, what used to be an attitude of “come what may” starts to narrow to specific preferences. But you know that shared feeling I’m sure, that when you really love someone or just simply get attracted and interested to get to know a person better, you begin to disregard all the bad things and start liking every bit of their imperfection. Well, we all differ.

There’s always that person whom you’ve poured all your liking and being, that there won’t be second you’d say no to them because of that overflowing love you feel for them. Well, how’s it going self-love? Someone whom you have imagined growing old with but is too shy to admit because it might scare them. Reciprocity won’t even be an issue because you feel fulfilled to do everything for them. True love never asks for anything in return anyway, right? But there comes a day, when you realize how much you’ve let go of all the tiny bit of disappointment they made you feel but then he does something — one that is just unacceptable. You don’t want to reprimand him because whatever you did for them is up to your own willingness. And when you ask for space, he lets you go without a doubt, without second thought. Not the kind of letting go that tells you, ‘maybe that’s what you need to grow’ but sounds so willingly and readily asking you to go-on-a-new-adventure kind of break-up.It leaves you hurt. It leaves you crying. You start crying even during the most inappropriate time and place because you feel and admit for the first time that it’s not what you deserve. But then life must go on. Crying during the most inappropriate time and place becomes a normal thing, a miserable routine. You carry on with your life and focus on other things, such as a sport, friends you’ve neglected for a long time and even start to notice someone who shows deep interest in you. You love feeling how new someone makes you feel because you haven’t felt that for a long time but you try to be cautious because you know, best foot forward *wink*. You still love your ex. New person shows deeper interest and your friends and family encourage you because they know what you’ve been through. Ex finds out and all of a sudden, you’re the best person that ever happened to him. And it took him months and a person who seems to be interested in you before he could figure that out. And since you love him, you’re stupid enough to give in on random days but still try to stay firm. You’re that tofu in the market, there’s soft, extra firm and then there you are, you call yourself firm but just not extra firm. Lol.

Then there’s that other ex who messages you whenever it’s convenient for him. He says he has never gotten over you but he never asks how you are all year-long. You’re guessing it must’ve been a recent bad break up that’s why he remembered you. He remembers how you made him feel before but always forgets how it went down to ruins. I’m old enough to finally believe with conviction that everything happens for a reason. Every detail of our lives are meant to teach us a lesson. It doesn’t matter how good or bad things turned out but sometime in our life, maybe not now but eventually, we’ll find ourselves looking puzzled and having a bright eureka moment and say, “that’s why.” It didn’t happen because it was not meant to happen. We’ve all heard of people breaking up and getting back together. We’ve even heard of tinder couples still after years are going strong. But there are exes that are just never going to happen again. We all differ.

And there’s one more person, New Person, who says he’s willing to wait. He acts accordingly but because it’s still early to judge… you just watch. But you kinda like how it feels too. It takes a lifetime to know a person. I know this is bad for your balance and peace to think of “what ifs” and correlate all the realities around you with your own life. But you’d gone through a lot of relationships already that it’s so tiring to go over the same shit again so you just “enjoy cautiously”. Wow, I like that term. Working as an expat has given me a wider perspective of life, that it’s not always rainbows and butterflies not just with relationships but in all aspects of life. One way to look at relationships if you’ve already gone bitter, is that it’s messy and people’s feeling get hurt (Hello, 500 Days of Summer). But one way to look at it, is that relationships are 1, source of inspiration and 2, though feelings get hurt, which is inevitable, that failures and mistakes lead to lessons. Always. New person coming in your life is just two things, 1) worth taking a risk 2) not worth taking a risk. Let’s not complicate life and just decide, right? But for me, it’s not called sugar-coating to let the person know that ‘now’ is ‘not a perfect time’. A person who truly loves you would accept that. Enjoy cautiously as to not end up hurting each other. Everyone deserves to love and be loved. I personally love the saying “Life’s too short to second guess” but obviously, me not second guessing any of my decisions has led me to a lot of bumps on the road lol, I guess it’s time to take things in my own pace.

Person you loved so much, ex from years ago and new person are three examples of people you’ll come across in life. You’ll never know, one of them might be the one. But one way of looking at it too is that maybe, there are more of them out there. That there’s no deadline we have to meet to actually decide now. Recently breaking up and jumping to a new relationship don’t look like a good match. How’s it going self-love? There’s nothing wrong with receiving love but I think now that I’m starting to actually enjoy my free time and lie down on the bed without having to answer to anyone and sleep for at least 10 hrs :P, nothing beats giving love to yourself more than anything else. Out of all the nonsense but funny things you find in your news feed, one thing struck me is that we should not romanticize self-love that it should be about a long bath (especially that our bathroom is shared by 4 people lol), or travelling alone, sometimes it’s just really enjoying your time alone. It’s not exactly the same but that’s the thought lol.

Anyway, it’s 8 minutes to time-out. And I’m happy I was finally able to write something. So genuine and from the heart.