Bye, jumbogurl.com (plot twist: just the domain name)

Hello, non-existent readers. I have decided not to renew my domain name and it shall be freely used by anyone in three days. But i will remain blogging and writing on random days when I feel like doing so.

So, how’s life been lately for me?

It is no longer fresh news that I have decided to be back here in my home country, the complicated yet still refreshing ironically speaking(because of the humid weather), the number wahed for me, Pilipinas.

The reason why I came home is still unknown, but so far I know that I made a decision I want and proud of doing. Deciding– for one is a blessing in itself because I’m not my best when being caught in the middle of decision-making. I have been doing things that make me proud and happy at the same time as advised by my psych.

I came to visit a psychologist 1st of April, because I found myself in a very bad place latter part of March. My indecisiveness adds up to that. But mainly, because of my lack of self-love. When I come to think of it, I think all along I’ve been doing things that I like but my psych made me realize a lot of things. This was based on my experience and sharing it here doesn’t mean that anyone who’s going through the same tunnel would get the same effect. But coming to the realization that I actually needed to see one was a stepping stone for me to become better.

I realized how I was always trying to be a part of something, may it be a group whom I think accepts me for who I am, doing all the sports I thought I wanted to do even if it no longer fits my schedule, saying “yes” to almost every thing even when in the end I’d compromise what I actually want to do. I’m always trying to fit in a world where I don’t belong, and for what? The temporary satisfaction that comes with fake affirmations, maybe? I’m proud I left my job and the comforts that come with having a salary I won’t get if I didn’t work too hard. I know, we all need money. Here I am, brainstorming of business that would work to build a financially-stable life. When people tell me that I wasted my opportunity and time back in Qatar, they didn’t know how bad I felt being there, despite having real friends, fake friends, big sis who would support me in a heartbeat. And let’s face it, not everyone we know actually wants to know how we really feel or care about how we do. So save your energy for explaining, right? Of course, I miss the people, the shawarma but if you gave me an option now, offer me a big check to go back, I won’t. Because now, at least even if I’m starting from scratch, I know the possibility of succeeding or failing, I’d gladly accept the outcome of my decisions. I grew tired of being put in situations where someone always has something to say to berate me.

The psych gave me a situation and asked me, what if I had one bread, and I was really hungry (not hard to imagine) and had no money left to buy more when a kid suddenly begs for the food? I said, I’d cut the bread in half so we could share. Then he said, then did that bread make you feel full? To which I replied, no. He asked, did the kid think it was enough? And I answered, no. It wasn’t a win-win situation. So he then asked me, so what would you do? I hesitated and answered, I’d have it all to myself. He questioned why I was hesitant to give myself my bread when the act is not being selfish but just doing what’s right. So, the moral of the story, is that we should give ourselves what we deserve. As for the kid, I can work hard and come back and I’d have my own and his own bread when the money’s available. To simply put it, when we’re ready.

I know I’ve always been the type of person to say, why wait ’til we’re ready when we can do it now. But I don’t think that applies for people like me who feel incomplete. We can’t give ourselves to others or share love when we don’t even love ourselves.

I shared my complicated, filled with loops, turns and backward rollercoaster of a love life. I almost thought he judged me already when I found his eyes looking really confused, but that also got me thinking that, bro, that was really confusing. It’s important that we admit how fucked up we are. And how much we fucked with other people’s feelings too. In this case, no one wins. No one deserves how I treated them. I didn’t deserve how they treated me. Summing up to the truth that looks like Aika girl ain’t ready for love. Even worse, that I don’t really know how to love someone. Because when you love someone, you won’t end up hurting each other. I already had a way out from the start, but I chose to continue fooling everyone else including me. We don’t get in relationships just because we’re complacent they’ll be there for us, or just because they accept us, we love when we’re ready and we’re whole.

Anyway, I’m happy I had that session. No bias because he didn’t know me on a personal level til that day. He gave me assignments to get affirmations, but this time not from others but from myself. He asked me to think of things I love about myself everyday, think of the best moments that happened that day, which got me thinking that the small things actually matter the most. I’m a believer but sometimes we get consumed by the negative things in life that we fail to see how beautiful life is through small gestures.

Ever since that session, I make an effort to find something to love about myself. It sounds eeky to say that, but that’s not vanity and selfishness, that’s something I deserve.