Don’t Ask the Childless Woman

I’m not going to start this essay with statistics of how many women do not have children, by choice or not. I grew up in an environment around women, noisy women, specifically. Noisy but strong enough to stand up for themselves, which made me (at first) to fight every battle until I became mature enough to choose them, filter them and let go of those that are not worth it. I was raised by a woman, who was known to be funny and silly, the joker, the Bangka of the group, as we Filipinos would call it. This woman died of cancer. And yet, you’d look at her and think she lived her life to the fullest. She became a mother at an early age and at 27 almost my age now, she had me. And I can’t see myself anywhere near being a mother or not even, some 5 years from now. And a lot of people, even close to me are against my belief. I grew up with an aunt who lost her child with Down Syndrome who died at 15 years old, cheated on by her abusive ex-husband who burned her clothes out of rage. I grew up with a strong grandmother who lost her husband and became a mother to her 6 children. I love a woman who admits to try having a baby, and on some days says she doesn’t want to. And whatever side of the bed she wakes up to, I accept and respect that.

Don’t ask the childless woman when. Don’t ask when she will start having kids. Don’t tell her to just have a child if marriage is not an option. Don’t tell her she’s getting older and that it would be harder to bear a child. A single woman, a woman at 35, a young adult taking on the world in her early 20s, all the women you come across, don’t ask them when.

Don’t ask the childless woman why. Don’t ask her why she chooses to lift instead of focusing on having children. Don’t ask why loves working out and if having children is not important to her. Don’t ask her when you know she’s trying, why it has not come yet. Instead, pray for her. If you don’t pray, then wish her well. But don’t ask her why she isn’t a mother yet.

Don’t ask the childless woman what’s wrong with her. Is it the guy? Is it your egg cells? Is it the way you do it? Don’t tell the childless woman what makes a woman – and that is in your opinion, to be a mother. What makes her a woman is how she chooses to live her life.

I wrote this because I’m tired of hearing people asking when someone’s having a child, if there’s something wrong with the couple, if they’re planning to or not because it is not in my hands to decide for other people. I hope everybody finds it in their heart that it is not them who defines a person’s being. Let’s accept that some people want to keep it private, they may want to or not. It is up to them.

Don’t ask the childless woman when, why or what. You don’t know what people are going through because what we see is just a part of who they are. We don’t really know what’s going inside, if they’re broken or anxious.
Don’t ask why bisexuals or gays about their options, don’t harass them saying it’s a waste if they didn’t have children.

This goes to everyone who puts F as their sex, for as long as you’re happy, then you live your life the way you want to and you deserve to be respected.

If bringing an innocent child to this world would mean having to grow up around judgmental people, then I’d rather not to. Don’t ask. Respect.