I looked at myself

I looked at myself and can’t help but notice the kilos I gained, the double chin that was never there, the milia breakout and how long I’ve been masking my own feelings. It has become difficult for me to admit my emotions and feelings over time. I don’t blame my age, or whatever happened in my life that may have led to this. In fact, I think that it has come out naturally. I don’t know how I feel, more so, admitting anything was almost impossible.

I am trapped in a situation I’ve seen exactly the same place I found myself last year. I find someone and blow it off… Risks had to be taken. Feelings had to be admitted. But I don’t have the balls. They don’t either because now they’re gone.

It’s a cycle, isn’t it? Is it going to be like this again next year? I like someone but will never have the balls to go for it. There is no one to blame, not them, not him and not me. It’s just a tiny part of my life that I refuse to have an impact on me. I’m so sick and tired of telling myself I have yet to figure out myself. But one thing I know, is that I never want to look forward anymore. No plans this time and just embrace today. Embrace the uncertain time I have left with people around me who actually make me feel I matter.

I mask my feelings by asking them casually to stay away from me. That I’m a complex person. A very difficult person to understand. But in truth, I have some good side too. I do things for people and I don’t wait for them to appreciate me. I appreciate myself for doing things to people I care about. They might not see it but I love what I do. What more if I cared a little about myself. Eat healthy, live healthy, sleep early, drive myself to places I want to go to.

I actually need a break. And I’m just 26. The world is mine for the taking. I’m tired.